I was replaying multiple conversations and interactions. I was obsessing over ways in which I could have expressed myself better, or responded better to things said. I worried about the perceptions I may have created based upon tripping clumsily over my own tongue.
Sentences such as "Maybe I should have said.... " "Maybe they thought ... of me." "Maybe I shouldn't have..." plagued my mind.
I, eventually, realizing these were not "real", or of God, offered them up to the Lord, and fell asleep... but when I woke with groggy reluctance, I recalled the previous night's personal struggle. In doing so, I recognized a pattern. In each of my statements/questions of insecurity and self degradation there were familiar words... "I, Me, Mine, My..." and my heart repented as it occurred to me, for the first time, that my insecurity was nothing but an inflated sense of self.
A deep sense of insecurity in oneself is just as self-focused as an over-inflated ego is. They, both, are dwelling on one's own limitations, abilities, and accomplishments (or the lack there of). The longer we spend in self-focus, the less time we spend focused on Jesus and his limitless strength. The less time we are connecting with His vision for us. We will find ourselves falling into depression and anxiety which is a place where the enemy is waiting to hold us captive to our emotions.
Our goal, as believers, is to direct the eye to the Lord. Our failures will always be there, but so will God's grace, forgiveness, and power. We should strive to have a handle on our tongues and thoughts, but to spend our lives praising or degrading oneself is simply taking focus from Jesus and those that need his love.
The world doesn't need another self-important or self-loathing individual sinking in the waves. They need individuals that own their failures and draw eyes to the One who set them free and rescued them from themselves and the enemy.
